Thoughts on a Monday Morning
I forgive myself.
For all the inordinate sentiments and esoteric expressions - I pardon myself.
As I try to be kind to people, I realized, I need to be kind to myself. That dark side of me is indeed deplorable but it does not define me. That dark side is just part of me. After all. we all have dark sides. We all struggle to fight our own demons. Sometimes, unfortunately we take those demons out on others. We hurt people and in doing so, we hurt ourselves. But, I want to be kind to myself so today, I forgive myself for listening and giving way to the demons - for letting my fears, doubts, uncertainties, anger and frustrations take down the best of me - for letting myself be gobbled up by that long string of negativities - I forgive myself, and I shall try again and next time, I shall be stronger. I hope that finding forgiveness in myself, the people I have hurt could also find a space in their hearts to forgive me as well. If I can only take back every hurtful word I said, I would. If I can do penance for the bad choices I have made, I would. If I can take back time and undo the decisions I did, I would. But, life does not work backwards.
Facing your own demons, though it may be earth-shattering, can be liberating as well. Because in that moment of looking at yourself with all that darkness, you see how low you can fall, and in seeing that reality, you see and understand yourself better. This is who I am. This is the lowest and darkest I can be - yet. But I also have enough light and love to shun that darkness away.
We all have dark sides because humans are are not simple - I am not all good or all bad. I am a complex conglomeration of both - I am somewhere in the middle and I run back and forth between the two sides. We all do. I believe that human nature is designed like that - a mix of binary and dichotomous expressions. I recognize that truth - I respect that truth.
How do I proceed from here?
For one, I am not repulsed by myself - I strive learn from my mistakes, and I aim to be better. Selfish and egoistic as it may sound - but if I cannot find a reason to respect myself, how can I expect others to respect me?
We all have darkness - you and I. No matter how strong you are, there always comes a point in your life that being alone is just not enough because sometimes the demons within you are just too strong for you to fight alone. Sometimes, the world is too heavy that you cannot hold it with your two bare hands. In those moments, in that darkness and in that heaviness - look around you, who remained? Look at that person who is still able to smile to you and say, fuck, you were a wreck - let's go for a beer.
It was a glitch and though the glitch is perfectly normal - never let it define you.
For all the inordinate sentiments and esoteric expressions - I pardon myself.
As I try to be kind to people, I realized, I need to be kind to myself. That dark side of me is indeed deplorable but it does not define me. That dark side is just part of me. After all. we all have dark sides. We all struggle to fight our own demons. Sometimes, unfortunately we take those demons out on others. We hurt people and in doing so, we hurt ourselves. But, I want to be kind to myself so today, I forgive myself for listening and giving way to the demons - for letting my fears, doubts, uncertainties, anger and frustrations take down the best of me - for letting myself be gobbled up by that long string of negativities - I forgive myself, and I shall try again and next time, I shall be stronger. I hope that finding forgiveness in myself, the people I have hurt could also find a space in their hearts to forgive me as well. If I can only take back every hurtful word I said, I would. If I can do penance for the bad choices I have made, I would. If I can take back time and undo the decisions I did, I would. But, life does not work backwards.
Facing your own demons, though it may be earth-shattering, can be liberating as well. Because in that moment of looking at yourself with all that darkness, you see how low you can fall, and in seeing that reality, you see and understand yourself better. This is who I am. This is the lowest and darkest I can be - yet. But I also have enough light and love to shun that darkness away.
We all have dark sides because humans are are not simple - I am not all good or all bad. I am a complex conglomeration of both - I am somewhere in the middle and I run back and forth between the two sides. We all do. I believe that human nature is designed like that - a mix of binary and dichotomous expressions. I recognize that truth - I respect that truth.
How do I proceed from here?
For one, I am not repulsed by myself - I strive learn from my mistakes, and I aim to be better. Selfish and egoistic as it may sound - but if I cannot find a reason to respect myself, how can I expect others to respect me?
We all have darkness - you and I. No matter how strong you are, there always comes a point in your life that being alone is just not enough because sometimes the demons within you are just too strong for you to fight alone. Sometimes, the world is too heavy that you cannot hold it with your two bare hands. In those moments, in that darkness and in that heaviness - look around you, who remained? Look at that person who is still able to smile to you and say, fuck, you were a wreck - let's go for a beer.
It was a glitch and though the glitch is perfectly normal - never let it define you.
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