Fuck love, Fuck drama...
It was very cold last night. She made a mistake of wearing a sexy blue halter dress which drapes down to heels, without a coat or a jacket over it. The temperature during this spring time in Tokyo is never reliable. Some mornings, she would grab her tank top thinking that it would be hot the whole day, but come the afternoon, she would be shivering on her walk back home. She has been living in Tokyo for quite a while now. She likes the place, the culture, the food, the sights, and...the freedom. But she hates being away from her friends and lover. Although she pretends to be this nomadic wanderer who wants to see the world, a part of her is actually really invested in people...which can be good or bad but that's another story...now go back to last night.
She went out of her room out of loneliness. A new friend asked her out..and she said yes, besides, she needed a drink...or two...and she felt it would be too depressing to open the bottle of red wine she bought the other week and drink alone. No. Last night, she needed to see people. She needed to talk to people. So she wore the dress which was fantastic if the weather only was kinder, put on some perfume, pulled her thin hair up into a bun, and went out. It was sprinkling outside and while walking she thought...she needed this. So, while she would choose to fly back home in a heartbeat but that was not possible so she contented herself with a couple of drinks and getting to know a new-found friend.
The conversation went better than she thought. She's not the type of woman who likes to sit and just do simple chit chat... She was never good at dating. One time when she was younger, she ditched a suitor in the middle of a movie...she just said that she wants to leave and then she left. The poor boy expected a kiss but received a high-five instead. She has been awkward...awkward in dating. But last night was not a date. Just to be clear. It was just a couple of beers and glass of mojito and a good conversation. Exactly what she needed.
So after a few laughs...a couple of trips to the restroom...and perhaps a secret or two...she knew she felt a little better. She misses someone so much that she would welcome anything that can make her forget even for a couple of hours. And she got what she wanted. She learned that he is actually a nice guy...a few years older than her...he told her about India, Nepal, his parents, his two-year stint in a bookstore, among others...she told him about her studies, her parents, and how much she likes traveling. They talked about mundane things like failed relationships...watched this cycling marathon in Italy and laughed when the bartender screamed with excitement. Bottom line, the conversation was good...she was glad to have a new friend whom she can talk to freely...but her mind..and heart...is somewhere else.
The weirdest thought comes to her in weird moments. While she walked back..she thought about what kind of woman she is... She has been thinking about that for quite a while now...because she knows she can be crazy but also she is kind by nature. So walking back..she thought...if God looks her in the eye and asks her...what kind of woman she is..what would she say? Perhaps it was the beer, or the cold, but she thought...she is a good woman. She kept on repeating it to herself...she is a good woman...she is a good woman...and she deserves to be loved and desired.
Perhaps, the conversation which she didnt expect and planned anyway made travel back in time again...and visit the list of men's names who she loved dearly...and lost... She thought...they all left her...they all complained about her...bossiness...her arrogance...her 'too much' thoughtfulness...her 'too much' caring...her obsessions...her insanity...they are right. They are absolutely right. She can be very very very very difficult. She never really pretended to be worry-free woman. But she also knows that she is a fierce lover. A loyal lover. A caring woman. And when she says she loves you, she means it...to her core...she feels it...in every single cell in her body...when she says she's yours...she is yours as long as you would let her. She chuckled. She does not know if it is even healthy for her to 'defend' her negative sides (she has been trying to lessen her quirks, just to reach a better version of herself; but she also tells herself, it is easier to lose one's craziness than to learn how to love passionately and loyally....you can learn how to have fun more...but loving is not easy to learn...it comes from a good heart...and she knows she has a good heart) but she knows that no matter how many times she insists on using a hand sanitizer, or to take a cab instead of the bus, or to pay for the dinner...she knows that she is a good woman...and fierce lover, and she deserves to be loved and desired.
By the time sleep almost reached her, she sighed once more...she knows...she is beautiful...inside and out...and, in this world where love, loyalty, and passion seem out-dated, she is a fierce lover...and her version of love...to an open minded man...should be one of best things one could ever feel. She has a big heart....and an even bigger and deeper pool of passion...and when she's passionate she gives her best...she gives but giving itself is effortless.. She is a fierce lover...that, she would not change. But the crazy? Well, that should be exorcised or toned down...
And then sleep came...she hushed herself, damn it, you are thinking too much again...fuck love, fuck drama...(and stop reading Eat, Pray, Love because you get soooooo dramatic...add the hormones for this month and you will be a catastrophe if you dont control yourself) get some rest and tomorrow, the world is your playground...have fun!
And she will...
She went out of her room out of loneliness. A new friend asked her out..and she said yes, besides, she needed a drink...or two...and she felt it would be too depressing to open the bottle of red wine she bought the other week and drink alone. No. Last night, she needed to see people. She needed to talk to people. So she wore the dress which was fantastic if the weather only was kinder, put on some perfume, pulled her thin hair up into a bun, and went out. It was sprinkling outside and while walking she thought...she needed this. So, while she would choose to fly back home in a heartbeat but that was not possible so she contented herself with a couple of drinks and getting to know a new-found friend.
The conversation went better than she thought. She's not the type of woman who likes to sit and just do simple chit chat... She was never good at dating. One time when she was younger, she ditched a suitor in the middle of a movie...she just said that she wants to leave and then she left. The poor boy expected a kiss but received a high-five instead. She has been awkward...awkward in dating. But last night was not a date. Just to be clear. It was just a couple of beers and glass of mojito and a good conversation. Exactly what she needed.
So after a few laughs...a couple of trips to the restroom...and perhaps a secret or two...she knew she felt a little better. She misses someone so much that she would welcome anything that can make her forget even for a couple of hours. And she got what she wanted. She learned that he is actually a nice guy...a few years older than her...he told her about India, Nepal, his parents, his two-year stint in a bookstore, among others...she told him about her studies, her parents, and how much she likes traveling. They talked about mundane things like failed relationships...watched this cycling marathon in Italy and laughed when the bartender screamed with excitement. Bottom line, the conversation was good...she was glad to have a new friend whom she can talk to freely...but her mind..and heart...is somewhere else.
The weirdest thought comes to her in weird moments. While she walked back..she thought about what kind of woman she is... She has been thinking about that for quite a while now...because she knows she can be crazy but also she is kind by nature. So walking back..she thought...if God looks her in the eye and asks her...what kind of woman she is..what would she say? Perhaps it was the beer, or the cold, but she thought...she is a good woman. She kept on repeating it to herself...she is a good woman...she is a good woman...and she deserves to be loved and desired.
Perhaps, the conversation which she didnt expect and planned anyway made travel back in time again...and visit the list of men's names who she loved dearly...and lost... She thought...they all left her...they all complained about her...bossiness...her arrogance...her 'too much' thoughtfulness...her 'too much' caring...her obsessions...her insanity...they are right. They are absolutely right. She can be very very very very difficult. She never really pretended to be worry-free woman. But she also knows that she is a fierce lover. A loyal lover. A caring woman. And when she says she loves you, she means it...to her core...she feels it...in every single cell in her body...when she says she's yours...she is yours as long as you would let her. She chuckled. She does not know if it is even healthy for her to 'defend' her negative sides (she has been trying to lessen her quirks, just to reach a better version of herself; but she also tells herself, it is easier to lose one's craziness than to learn how to love passionately and loyally....you can learn how to have fun more...but loving is not easy to learn...it comes from a good heart...and she knows she has a good heart) but she knows that no matter how many times she insists on using a hand sanitizer, or to take a cab instead of the bus, or to pay for the dinner...she knows that she is a good woman...and fierce lover, and she deserves to be loved and desired.
By the time sleep almost reached her, she sighed once more...she knows...she is beautiful...inside and out...and, in this world where love, loyalty, and passion seem out-dated, she is a fierce lover...and her version of love...to an open minded man...should be one of best things one could ever feel. She has a big heart....and an even bigger and deeper pool of passion...and when she's passionate she gives her best...she gives but giving itself is effortless.. She is a fierce lover...that, she would not change. But the crazy? Well, that should be exorcised or toned down...
And then sleep came...she hushed herself, damn it, you are thinking too much again...fuck love, fuck drama...(and stop reading Eat, Pray, Love because you get soooooo dramatic...add the hormones for this month and you will be a catastrophe if you dont control yourself) get some rest and tomorrow, the world is your playground...have fun!
And she will...
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