Before daylight comes... part 3

In my last year of candidature, I had to deal with several adjustments. I had to juggle teaching five classes (that is about 250 students), writing chapters, and really planning for my next move after PhD.

It was stressful but again, I was very productive that I never really minded the exhaustion. Probably what bothered me the most is to determine where I will be after PhD. It was a strange (and kind of still is at the moment) period. I was busying trying to finish writing but at the same time, I had to plan for what comes after. The problem is, in my field, there is pretty much little I can do from submission to the official date of the conferment of the degree.

I was...still am...in a limbo. I am neither here nor there. It gets uncomfortable and scary sometimes, but I am always optimistic that things will fall into place. Years ago, when I used to attend masses and pray regularly, I would always say (and really felt) that I never hit the ground...and in moments when I thought I would fall flat, face first on the floor, God always brought me up. Now that I do not profess any religion anymore, I still believe that the universe..the force..energy..or something, will guide me to the right path as long as I do my part: so I always work hard, I analyze my options well, I keep possibilities open, and I make plans A to Z, considering all scenarios perceivable. I suppose when we are aware of the realities of our own situation and we know our options ahead, there really is nothing to be worried about. I do my part and I know things will be alright - I will be alright, no matter what. 

I had to make decisions. My life was moving in a new direction and I knew I had to take care of myself and stop putting other people ahead of my own needs (at least while I am finishing my dissertation). You see, it takes a certain level of selfishness for one to really produce a good scholarly production. I had to lessen my social commitments, talk to parents less frequently, end a relationship, and really just focus on me. It has been a long time since I really focused on just me. The last year of my PhD was a time for me...just me. Maybe it was an irrational decision, but I really felt that if I were to succeed in this task, I will have to depend on no one else but me. Nobody can help me. No one knows the ins and outs of my research but me. No one can really understand the difficulty in conjuring arguments and connecting one piece of information to another. No one will be capable and willing to help me. With that realization, I thought I had to be alone. I needed to focus on myself and stop worrying about another person. But also, I felt that I did not want to put any burden on him...he had things to sort out on his own... I thought the best course for us was to parts ways. Truth is, no matter how much I rationalize my decision, the result was the same...pain. But it was a necessary pain. I had to let go of him so I can focus on me...because no one will focus on me but..me. 

It was a decision that despite the pain, felt right. I can only hope that whatever remnant of pain was left will be cleared in time.

I endured more tan six months of routine...of waking up early in the morning six times a week, working my ass off up until the wee hours, and of course, with gym and dancing in between. I must confess - I had sooooo much fun. I guess, the fact that I knew I had finally acquired the momentum and the necessary solitude to do my own work invigorated me. Sometimes it was tiring, but good thing is that I have friends - old and new - who helped me along the way in different capacities. I was alone - I chose to be alone, yet I was not entirely alone. There were people..real good people...who kept me sane the whole time. I will forever be indebted to them.

When I chose to leave for Thailand to do one-month of final lap...

To be continued...