Before daylight comes...
What a ride... I cannot believe that four years have passed. I guess, it seems longer because I have lived my life in such a dynamic way - such dauntless and riveting way that each second seems to be packed with a whole pandora of stories. Like all stories, I have stumbled upon good ones...some bad...but always, in each and every turn, I become more me. Let me take you to the beginning...
I guess the story starts one full year before I commenced my PhD studies. I left a great job teaching at one of the most reputable universities in the Philippines to pursue a Master of Science in Asian Studies. I was in a long-term committed relationship and according to THE PLAN (yes, the plan), I was going to marry him in a couple of years' time and I would have to accompany him in his religious missions in some remote village somewhere in Indonesia. I was ready for that, I thought. I was willing to leave a great job and most possibly my own career to be with him. It was not a hard decision, my whole heart was in it.
But, then I thought, if I was going to spend my life being the minister's wife, I should be able to do what I love first. I decided to jump into graduate studies abroad. I love Asian Studies - history, economy, culture, and society, so I thought, well, I will spend one year enjoying myself and studying to my heart's content before I get married. Good god, I have a best time. That year was awesome. I mean, I spent most of my time at the library while my cohorts were out partying and drinking, but I consume books and I wrote the best articles and papers I have ever done. I was having the time of my life. Back in the Philippines, I had to juggle two teaching jobs and graduate studies, but in Singapore, finally I had all my energy directed to my studies. It paid off eventually. At the end of my studies, I received the gold medal as the best student in my programme. I realized, I was really good in what I do and I wanted to see if I can do more, push more - I have always been competitive and I always want to improve myself.
In the course of my masters, we got engaged. We were in a boat sailing off the shore of Makassar at night. I cannot even remember what he said and how I reacted. I just remember how dark it was and how, I thought, this is it...I was creating a path for myself and there was no turning back. Again, the decision came almost naturally. I guess it was easy for me because I loved him, was passionate with the idea of spending the rest of my life with him, even if it meant living in a jungle. One dangerous thing about me is this: once I am clear with what I want/love; I dive hard; I go all in. There really is no mid-way for me. This may be careless for some people, but, for me it is the only way to live. Find what makes you happy and back in it; hold it, work for it, and try not to let go. So far, I reaped the benefits - I do not have regrets.
Going back to the story, so we got engaged and at the same time, I fell in love with a book. I was inspired to explore a doctoral research topic because of this one particular book I read. Without telling my ex-fiance, I applied for a spot in my university's doctoral programme. I received not one, but two scholarship offers. I chose History - the reason why I am in the academia in the first place. I was inspired by a Filipina historian, my professor in college. She was always dressed impeccably, well-travelled, wrote books, and a spinster. At that time, I told myself I want to be like her...exactly like her.
To make the long story short, I got into PhD and was excited about it. I told my ex-fiance that I will finish it in three years and then I will to Indonesia for good. I thought, it was a good plan. We were still young. He was beginning his career and I was pursuing what I really love. But, I was wrong. Somewhere along the way, his love changed. Maybe I changed too. In any case, something changed. He broke up with me without any compelling reason except that we were not compatible. I got so close to withdrawing from my studies and flying off to Indonesia to fix us...but, looking back, it was a good thing that it didn't happen...a couple of months after we broke up, he was already with another woman. He was going to leave me anyway - regardless of my decisions. He already decided not to be with me.
With a heavy heart and without a long-term plan, I stayed with my doctoral studies...and, despite it being attached to a broken heart, it was the best decision I ever made...
To be continued...
I guess the story starts one full year before I commenced my PhD studies. I left a great job teaching at one of the most reputable universities in the Philippines to pursue a Master of Science in Asian Studies. I was in a long-term committed relationship and according to THE PLAN (yes, the plan), I was going to marry him in a couple of years' time and I would have to accompany him in his religious missions in some remote village somewhere in Indonesia. I was ready for that, I thought. I was willing to leave a great job and most possibly my own career to be with him. It was not a hard decision, my whole heart was in it.
But, then I thought, if I was going to spend my life being the minister's wife, I should be able to do what I love first. I decided to jump into graduate studies abroad. I love Asian Studies - history, economy, culture, and society, so I thought, well, I will spend one year enjoying myself and studying to my heart's content before I get married. Good god, I have a best time. That year was awesome. I mean, I spent most of my time at the library while my cohorts were out partying and drinking, but I consume books and I wrote the best articles and papers I have ever done. I was having the time of my life. Back in the Philippines, I had to juggle two teaching jobs and graduate studies, but in Singapore, finally I had all my energy directed to my studies. It paid off eventually. At the end of my studies, I received the gold medal as the best student in my programme. I realized, I was really good in what I do and I wanted to see if I can do more, push more - I have always been competitive and I always want to improve myself.
In the course of my masters, we got engaged. We were in a boat sailing off the shore of Makassar at night. I cannot even remember what he said and how I reacted. I just remember how dark it was and how, I thought, this is it...I was creating a path for myself and there was no turning back. Again, the decision came almost naturally. I guess it was easy for me because I loved him, was passionate with the idea of spending the rest of my life with him, even if it meant living in a jungle. One dangerous thing about me is this: once I am clear with what I want/love; I dive hard; I go all in. There really is no mid-way for me. This may be careless for some people, but, for me it is the only way to live. Find what makes you happy and back in it; hold it, work for it, and try not to let go. So far, I reaped the benefits - I do not have regrets.
Going back to the story, so we got engaged and at the same time, I fell in love with a book. I was inspired to explore a doctoral research topic because of this one particular book I read. Without telling my ex-fiance, I applied for a spot in my university's doctoral programme. I received not one, but two scholarship offers. I chose History - the reason why I am in the academia in the first place. I was inspired by a Filipina historian, my professor in college. She was always dressed impeccably, well-travelled, wrote books, and a spinster. At that time, I told myself I want to be like her...exactly like her.
To make the long story short, I got into PhD and was excited about it. I told my ex-fiance that I will finish it in three years and then I will to Indonesia for good. I thought, it was a good plan. We were still young. He was beginning his career and I was pursuing what I really love. But, I was wrong. Somewhere along the way, his love changed. Maybe I changed too. In any case, something changed. He broke up with me without any compelling reason except that we were not compatible. I got so close to withdrawing from my studies and flying off to Indonesia to fix us...but, looking back, it was a good thing that it didn't happen...a couple of months after we broke up, he was already with another woman. He was going to leave me anyway - regardless of my decisions. He already decided not to be with me.
With a heavy heart and without a long-term plan, I stayed with my doctoral studies...and, despite it being attached to a broken heart, it was the best decision I ever made...
To be continued...
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