Correspondence in a Time Capsule (Reposted)
*It's official, I am the last among the "Savants of Room 10" to keep my foot firmly planted into the unmarried life. No complaints here. I am happy with the path I decided to take and am still profusely in love with freedom and optimistic about the strange ways life will throw me surprises. But the recent development reminded me of a letter I scribbled more than two years ago. I went through it again and, alas, it reads silly and funny and overly cheesy (cloying, really, yuck!!!) but there remains the underlying truth.
[Imaginary high-five!]
I am writing this letter with you in mind, albeit your indistinct face and garbled inbreathe. I do not know your name, whether you are stranger to me now or actually just standing very near to me. We may have not even met, who knows. But, I have this urge to compose a message from the present me (but now you're reading this, well, it's the past me) to the future you. You know, it's pretty much similar to those letters put inside a time capsule and then buried for 50 years or so. That is what I am doing, excluding the burying part. These are just things that I want you to know, like warning signs in neon-lights, you might say, before you dip both your feet to the whirling pool that is me.
I am an independent woman. I am happy and content being alone. In fact, I frequently need time to be alone and just listen to my own crazy singing and dance with my soul. I hope you have realized that by now - I do not need a man in my life to survive. I work hard to sustain my needs and I do not like putting burden to other people. This does not mean that I have no place in my world for you - I just hope that you appreciate the person that I am and that you respect my personal space and decision to be silent, at times. You can count on me to push you, drive you, stimulate you...for whatever (proper/good) reason, in however (legal/good) way.
I do not need you to complete me, or save me. I am complete, just me. I save my own ass if needed. But, having you beside me would make me more confident, more composed, and more secured and I will ask for help if I no longer am able to handle things on my own. I believe a relationship consists of two whole human beings - two journeys, two dreams, two sets of strenghts, and two sets of limitations, yet one promise to commit to each other. Still, I promise that I will always be there when you need me - I will anticipate your needs and will try my best to give them to you even before you ask for them.
I will not settle in one place. I will settle with one person but not with one place. I was born to see the world and live in various places. My favorite place is the airport - that in-betweenness, of departing and arriving. There is nothing you can give me that can bound me to one place for the rest of my life. So, I hope you like packing and queuing in immigration lines, because I will drag you to places and I wish you could drag me to places too.
I dream big, but I behave simple. Though uncertainty exhilirates me, deep inside I have clear goals. Broadly written, yes, flexible, yes, but more or less, I have things I want to pursue or keep pursuing. You can call it my life's vocation or mission. I do have that. But, I live simply - no extra baggages, no unnecessary trinkets or ornaments. Simple with style. That is what I am striving to be. I hope you like the fact that I have aspirations of my own and that I am super allergic to grandiose living. I hope you are versatile enough to cross the various levels of living spectrum with me - to sip champagne beside the Thames or eat nasi kunying in a warung makan in Solo. My life is a constant tipping from left to right, in constant motion to achieve balance (which is not my permanent state because my permanent state is more like movement, rather than stillness). I wish you can be as fluid as me.
I will never leave you behind. I was born a romantic and am a faithful lover. I promise that no matter how far I travel, I will never leave you behind. No matter, how long it takes to see you, I will always find my way back to you. I will not take the first step away from you - from us. So, if by any chance, I fail you make you happy or should you want to find your own way alone, you must know right now that you will have to take the first step away. You will have to leave me, because I will not, dare not leave you. I can be pretty stubborn, but I will let you go. I understand how freedom is a fundamental right. You may go as you please, but I will not wait for you. I will be too busy discovering the world. But, if you should stay, my pledge is that I will never leave you.
I want a life of adventures, explorations, fun, and intellectual stimulation. I want to be constantly challenged and see new things, do new things, in between peace and quiet living condition. I like stability (in unstability) interspersed with fluctuations. I hope you are not too scared or too reserved. In fact, I hope you can be the source of my adventures, explorations, fun, and intellectual stimulation.
I will love you in every way I know how. I will be the hot chocolate of your churrios; the pen to your notebook; the jin to your bottle; the granola in your iogurt; the lipstick to your mascara; the salt to your pepper; the Loius Lane to your Superman; the C3PO to your R2D2; and the Simon to your Garfunkel, you get the drift.
So, there. I hope I did not scare you off. I hope you are still reading this while cooking for dinner (by the way, I will wash the dishes) and not thinking about getting that last train out of the city.
Finally, I hope that you will reveal yourself to me soon, but until then, I have an amazing life to live.
[Imaginary fist-bump! (Though I know you hate fist-bumps)]
Later,
D
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