On a rainy Tuesday...

After almost seven years I find myself in Chiang Mai once again. It feels sublime, almost paradisiacal to be here. As I thrust myself towards the end of this phase in my life, being in this dynamic city revives me. I love the contrasts between modern and tradition, the positive tension between local and global, and the mutually reinforcing currents of temporal and spiritual. I love the serenity that this place gives me, except when I am biking along the main roads, I feel like I will die any second. I love the surge of inspiration and stamina that I have suddenly acquired. In fact, I am more productive here that when I was stuck in the office back in Singapore. Perhaps it is the novelty of the scenery. Maybe it is the spike in my adrenalin level. It does not matter, really. What matters is that I know, deep in my hearts of heart, this is exactly where I should be at this very moment in my life. 

Some once told me that he loves the euphemism of my decisions while another friend commented that I seem to exude a sense of calm amidst the PhD tension. On these points, I really have nothing much to say. I always...always make decisions out of a balanced consideration of my passion and the reason that goes along with it. Sometimes, I take a long time to really decide, but when I finally make up my mind, I am stubborn as hell. I stick to my word. Sometimes, coming up with a decision is easy...but only because I always choose what makes me happy - and really, I am happy with a few simple stuff, the basics. In this respect, I believe the sense of calm comes from the innate belief that I have taken full responsibility of my decisions and that I am doing my very best to address my current concerns and preoccupations. I make decisions out of passion and that drives me. I love every single thing I do. 

My life is not perfect. Oh dear, far from it. At this stage, a woman my age is probably married, buried in family life and kids, and is focused on going up the corporate/professional ladder - to reach a certain level of prestige and status. I have never been attracted to prestige and status. I am not even attracted to money. Comparably, I am deemed as a failed woman. But that is not something I am concerned about all the time. Some days, being single sucks, but it is better than being in a crappy partnership. As an outgoing PhD student, my career is in limbo. But, this is what makes me excited all the same. Estonia is an interesting option - I would love to live there. Even with the prospect of living alone in a country where I do not have any friends, no partner to tag along with, I find it exhilarating. 

Life indeed is full of trade offs. I take each day with courage. Somehow, I am hopeful. I am optimistic.