Back to Sanity

I never pretended to be easy. My smile is not infinite. My affable demeanour has limits. My strength has an expiration date. My reason fades sometimes. Sometimes it is the hormones (thanks, female biological make-up); other times, my little brain just cannot cope up with the seemingly overwhelming things life throws at me...or the things I deliberately put myself into. Sometimes, it is out of sheer loneliness. But I guess that is just being human - having limits, weak moments, and damn it, irrational outbursts.

Funny thing is that as I actually go through my "insanity" I actually know that it will/must end. I practically do not need someone to tell me that. I have the answers to my confusions. I do not need someone to explain to me how things will be. I understand completely that no one, not even me, really knows what will happen if choose one road over the other. I know that, at the end of the day, everything will be all up to me - just me. On the one hand, it is liberating - knowing that all I need is for me to get a hold of myself to be fine. On the other hand, it is weakening - knowing that I cannot and should not share the load with anyone.

So here I am, writing once again to make sense of my own vile moments. This time though, I learned something...just because you dedicated yourself to someone does not mean that he will be there when you need him the most. Perhaps, it was asking too much. Giving should be free of obligations, I remember him say. Hence, I give, without expecting anything in return. And I can only hope to receive, what I direly need.